OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize