My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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