Sorry, I don't speak sober.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
the liver wants what the liver wants
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
