even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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