4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize