we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
