Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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