I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
