I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
