I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
