i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
