you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
