my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
