you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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