I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
