And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
