Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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