I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
