At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
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