woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
My vagina just recognized that song.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize