dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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