im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
