Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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