I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
