the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
