my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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