I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
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