Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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