It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
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