i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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