I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Randomize
