You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
i drank out of a bidet.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
