Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Dick very happy bro
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
