And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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