Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
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