Fine. I'll sleep in my office
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
