dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
It's Friday. Sex?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
