I'm gonna have a badass scar
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
