Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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