the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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