I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
