two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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