im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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