If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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