if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
