he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
