I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
We need to get me chipped asap
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
