I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
