haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
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