but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Randomize
