doug butabi!
steve butabi!
hotties wanna shake it
i already hear my dad disowning me
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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