You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
