I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
