I'm so fucking centered right now
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
this beer tastes like vomit already
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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