I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
