Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
