I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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