my phone needs a breathalizer
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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