I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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