Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
