Clothes are such an inconvenience.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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