soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
