im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize